Friday, July 21, 2006

Queer Bear Cheer!


I love living in Portland, where the random freebie newspaper (the Mercury) gives us little gems like this:

(article text for those of you who don't feel like squinting or clicking the link)

Okay, LOOK. First of all, I've got nothing against you gays. You're ANNOYING, and you ACT FUNNY-but... an orgasm's an orgasm, right? Me. I don't worry about going gay, because I get laid A LOT-but if I were in prison or something, who knows? Anyway, I digress. Here's my beef with you gays: See this rainbow on my chest? THAT'S MY FUCKIN' RAINBOW. Before you gays came along and started using MY FUCKIN' RAINBOW to advertise yourselves, the only competition I had was the leprechauns. Now I can't walk down the street without somebody yelling, "YO, QUEER BEAR!" That's not my name, people! It's "CHEER BEAR", and it's because I'm so goddamn HAPPY. That's what rainbows are supposed to signify-HAPPY. Not getting banged in the ass by some guy wearing leather chaps. (However, I'll allow that getting ass banged can make certain people happy... if not ecstatic.) Anyway, my point is this: I HAD THIS RAINBOW FIRST. Do you think McDonald's would put up with this shit? Like if you gays suddenly started waving flags sporting a Quarter Pounder? They would never stop suing you. Me? I'm not the litigious type. Therefore I'll give you gays ONE CHANCE. Cease and desist using MY rainbow symbol, and I'll walk out of here a nice guy, and you'll still own your shirt. If not, the only date you'll be having is with my lawyer, "Legal Bear". You'll recognize him by the ambulance on his chest. THAT'S MY RAINBOW GAYS! They may call me "Cheer Bear", but I'll give your ass something to worry about!

We have been warned, and rainbows are tacky anyway guys.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL! Great article, journalism at its best. Of course, there will be a Fight Night At The Forum now, Cheer Bear versus Tinky Winky and Sponge Bob Square Pants in a handicap-match. Winner gets the use of the rainbow!

Erik the Boatbuilder

7:59 AM, July 22, 2006  
Blogger Hot Toddy said...

"ecstatic, even..."

That was awesome.

3:56 PM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger Hot Toddy said...

I love that I "quoted" something that wasn't even in the article.

But you know what I meant.

3:57 PM, July 27, 2006  
Blogger Hot Toddy said...

You better tell me your hours so I can come see you!

2:12 PM, August 01, 2006  

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