Friday, August 18, 2006

Hydrodynamic Physics Is Harshing My Game

I don't want to give the wrong impression with this story, as I think I'm one of the few men I know who actually goes to the gym with the express purpose of not talking to or scoping out anyone. There's just something about it that creeps me out, like when someone tries to check out my johnson in the men's room. So here goes:

During the course of today's abdominal workout I found myself next to what turned out to be a pretty cute guy whom I eventually noticed was sneaking glances at me. I was flattered and intrigued but really couldn't think of anything remotely appropriate to say without it coming off as a cheesy porno-esque pick up line. So I said nothing. We both continued in our workouts next to each other, he and I occasionally catching the other looking. It was fun but a little distracting.

I eventually got to the set where I lay on my back and lift my legs all the way over my body and head in fairly rapid succession (it's great for building up that sexy v-shape that points right to my no-zone when my pants ride low or my shirt goes high). Because I'm wearing a loose and unflattering shirt it starts to ride up my chest every time I launch my legs up and over my body in what would be a clear invitation to a gang-bang were this maneuver performed anywhere outside the gym. I'm sweating like it's going out of style, and my shirt is riding up higher and higher, when all of a sudden my sweaty back meets with the smooth mat I'm lying on, catches an air bubble perfectly and releases a noise akin to the worst case of squirts a person is likely to have without it actually being fatal. There is simply NO WAY to pretend the noise didn't happen, and I don't want to turn to a complete (if cute) stranger and tell him that the mat farted, not me.

Horrified, I continued with my set, while Mr Cute Abs Guy got up to grab a mat for himself.

The smirk on his face as he tried not to burst out laughing was a very good reminder of why I don't cruise cute guys at the gym. The fact that I accidentally kicked him while doing my power-bottom leg-lifts really didn't help.


Anonymous Bradford said...

Gyms are for working out?

I am glad to see you writing again. The world needs more good writers and although I am certain you make a mean drink, I think I would prefer to read what you create rather than drink it...

12:51 AM, August 18, 2006  
Blogger Hot Toddy said...

That sounds so much like something that would happen to me. No wonder we're friends. Thank you for telling your embarrassing story!!!

3:12 PM, August 25, 2006  
Blogger zortnac said...

Haha. Wait...I have to know, did you consider trying to recreate the sound so that it became obvious it wasn't a fart?

I try to do that when my shoes make fart-like noises on certain ground.

7:12 PM, August 31, 2006  
Blogger Zeroes said...

I think when I followed up my fart noise by kicking him I was pretty much done with the whole flirting thing.

I am, in fact, one very classy broad.

11:28 AM, September 19, 2006  

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