Open Letter on Bar Etiquette

More often than not I find myself slinging booze at assorted gay bars around the country as a way of paying rent and buying shiny things. It's a good life but it's come to my attention that there are those of you out there that didn't seem to get the memo about why it's wrong and foolish to sleep with the help. So here are three pointers to keep you from pissing off your bartender and making your future drinking experiences awkward:

1) It is both a fun and acceptable part of the business transaction to flirt with your bartender. There's a very good chance he/she will indeed flirt back. However, do notice that the cute bartender is also flirting with a large number of the other patrons. It's part of the job, often a part we all enjoy, but still just part of the job. Unless the bartender flirts with you while he/she is off the clock, don't confuse witty banter with an overwhelming desire to get into your pants.

2) Never, EVER, ask for a bartenders number or offer your own unsolicited number. If you give yours he/she may indeed intend to call at some point in the future, but most likely it won't happen and then you'll find yourself upset that your phone never rang. If the person serving you shots has any strong desire to see you outside of the dimly lit club with it's throbbing bass and vocals they will make an effort to get your number all on their own.

3) As with anyone in the servant caste, getting romantic or physical with someone who's job description involves serving everyone else comes with it's own slew of problems. If the encounter is purely physical you'd better make damn sure you pull out all the stops and knock his/her socks off as some of the less scrupulous bartenders have been known to report on the varied sexual prowess of previous conquests. Do you really want to be known as the guy who gives lousy head and smells like cabbage and old feet? As far as dating goes, this is just about as unwise as dating a coworker. Unless the two of you are psychotically over-mature in regards to issues such as jealousy and insecurity your two to three weeks of pre-marital bliss will most likely end with an in-club screaming match and thrown cocktails. I can tell you right now that security tends to frown on that sort of thing.

Please follow these guidelines to ensure a happy and productive boozing experience. And remember, it's all about having fun, don't let horny ruin everyone's good time.