Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Turgid in my Loquacious Caul

When a swarthy gentleman of obvious wit and perky buttocks arouses my passions, I find that instead of light-hearted banter and knowingly sly looks I begin to immediately vomit a near stream-of-consciousness flood of verbosity. The goal of such wild obfuscations being to confound and confuse my poor beau into never once suspecting my amorously licentious intentions. I can only assume that such shameless acts of verbal assault are the result of growing up an ugly duckling with my nose constantly ensconced in the musty tomes of my local library, a leisurely pursuit that allowed me to abscond from the doldrums of my daily routines in churlish suburbia; constantly hounded by the hormone-driven ululations of my fellow pre-pubescent kith and kin. Reaching maturation without ever developing the interpersonal skills of even the meanest debutante has left me ill-prepared with the vexing and arduous task of attracting a mate by anything remotely resembling normalcy. As such I force my hapless suitors through a labyrinthine morass of adumbrated intimations and obtenebrated innuendos, ultimately resulting in a sadly befuddled object of affection who briefly wonders if he hasn't been a secret somnambulist and has dreamed the entire encounter with this eccentricly peculiar narrator of bawdy intentions.

Seriously though, coy went out of style with Victorian collars being worn on people. I need to get with the times.

(bonus points awarded for people who can read this without a dictionary)

(edited 4-19-2007) It turns out that loquacious is spelled with a C and not a Q... I R smert.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Dead Nurse said...

Ok, I give up. What the hell does obtenebrated mean? It's not in the dictionary. Admit it, you made it up.

5:06 PM, April 12, 2007  
Blogger Zeroes said...

To obtenebrate is to darken or cast a shadow over something.

I can't seem to find the etymology of the word as I'm too cheap to pay Merriam-Webster online for their enhanced services.

12:42 AM, April 13, 2007  
Blogger Daniel said...

Had we but world enough, and time, / This coyness, Lady, were no crime

that's what youir post made me think of :)

11:57 AM, April 18, 2007  
Blogger Hot Toddy said...

You lost me at adumbrated. Not surprising that I failed to understand since the root of the word appears to be "dumb".

3:45 PM, May 02, 2007  
Blogger S. said...

WTB more potato farming. kthxbye.

s/e

11:51 AM, May 07, 2007  
Anonymous sowande said...

You people think it's funny written down, you have to see it in person.

Oh, and I've always been an advocate of Victorian collars on pets--only.

3:05 PM, May 20, 2007  
Blogger auburnpisces said...

Is it bad that I just read this entire post picturing you in leather pants and a harness?

I find your wit arousing and when I'm aroused I think leather. Sorry.

Love you tons!
Auburn Pisces

10:32 AM, June 16, 2007  
Blogger Chef Jules said...

Whoa! Your wordsmithing would surely arouse me. Cerebral :)

1:09 PM, July 03, 2007  

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