Thursday, March 30, 2006

Crouching Tyler, Hidden Dildo

After watching the badly subtitled Slavic twink porn at work I've decided that my calling in life is to produce the world's first kung-fu theater style gay porn. Obviously it will have to be badly re-dubbed so that the bottom's mouth is flapping like Mr Ed on sweeps week for the better part of five minutes whenever he says something as simple as "Fook Mi".

There will of course have to be some sort of plot about forbidden love and ancient artifacts of unimaginable power. Of course there will be the obligatory beautiful sweeping camera shots of flying wire-fighting atop whispering bamboo that leads to flying butt sex atop said bamboo. And don't even get me started on the ninjas. I'm thinking a group of black-swathed men busting into the dojo at which point condoms (those packet edges are SHARP) end up being howitzer ed across the room like ninja stars at the hero as he deftly ducks and dodges, only to be felled at the end by his hunky protege who was secretly a double agent the entire time. Of course this will lead to a gang-bang involving clever use of the weapons training ring.

Eventually the entire plot will wrap up with a raid upon the emperor's palace, though at that point all the plot switch-backs and allegiance changes will leave the nail-biting viewers clueless as to who's side the hero is truly on. As we all know emperor is just a wacky foreign word for daddy (mmm, daddy). There may or may not be jade falcon style fisting as a political statement on the common man's struggle against tyranny, that and it helps to cater to a wide audience for higher box office gross.

In the end our beleaguered hero will emerge a wiser man, having learned much in his travels about the necessity of sacrifice, the power of true virtue, and how to find another man's prostate in under two seconds.

I have heard my calling World, and I have no choice but to obey.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Stuart said...

Im really liking this idea - I will give you $10 towards the production! - when is the DVD out! hehe!

12:46 PM, March 30, 2006  
Blogger zortnac said...

The only thing better than a ninja in an "I am not a ninja" t-shirt is for that t-shirt to be wet! Let's not forget, after all, that they are white shirts. I mean, who would believe that the guy was not a ninja if it were black?

1:48 PM, March 30, 2006  
Blogger Zeroes said...

Oh those wacku ninjas, so much more clever than the common man (even if I do ALWAYS roll high when it matters).

2:49 AM, March 31, 2006  
Blogger Hot Toddy said...

Great minds think alike. Actually, I don't want to produce Ninja Porn, but I did tell Pony that I would like to produce Slapstick Porn.

I will tell you my ideas in person, because sound effects are involved.

Of course sound effects are involved. It's slapstick!!

10:08 AM, March 31, 2006  
Blogger Pony said...

Just let me know when you're auditioning. (That goes for you too, Toddy.)

7:27 AM, April 03, 2006  
Blogger Zeroes said...

You can have a cameo, but I was really intending to save your talents for when I can get enough capitol together to make The Lone Wangler: A Cockslinger's Tale. You just seem like you'd be perfect in a spaghetti western style homo gang-bang. Complete with injuns.

6:45 PM, April 03, 2006  

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