Saturday, March 04, 2006

Dear Democratic Party

By the time you read this letter I'll be gone. I just want you to know that it isn't you. You're a very nice political party and I'm sure some day you'll make someone a very happy president. Never for a second doubt that. But the reality is that we've grown apart. We're just two different people now, and I'm hoping we can be two different adults about this.

The time has come to face facts that neither of us has been very happy these past 11 years, and I think it's time we both recognized that and went our separate ways. I hope that in time you and I can go out for drinks and reminisce about old times and older friends. I'll truly value all that I learned during our time together. Truly I will.

But honestly, you've kind of let yourself go lately. I mean, we had a great connection when we first met, but have you weighed yourself lately? Or looked in a mirror before you left the house? In truth I've found myself feeling more than a little embarrassed introducing you to my friends, and not just because you insist on wearing that heinous pony tail/goatee combo that went out of style in the early nineties. Mostly it's because you've lost your backbone. You really used to stand for things. Now all I see you doing is playing hopscotch with your cousin the Republican Party. And don't think I didn't notice you and the Green Party making out during the christmas party when you thought I was busy practicing carols with the Libertarian Party. That stung, it really did. I mean the GREEN PARTY?! Do you know how hard it was to be intimate with you without the rancid stink of patchouli ruining it for me later that night? I know I said it was the booze, but really it was the tofu stuck in your teeth that made me cut things short in bed.

And let's not even get started on your obsession with "connecting" with a younger voter. I know EXACTLY what you were doing behind the closed curtain of the voter booths with those younger guys. Did you really think I couldn't hear you? I was standing in the NEXT BOOTH for christsakes! After that I didn't even feel guilty when the Communist Party took me out for coffee, meaningless political banter and a sloppy blow job. At least he LISTENED to me.

Ultimately, you brought this on yourself. You've gotten so caught up in trying to out-do your crazy republican cousin that all you do is mirror whatever he says. If he came out as pro-puppies you'd probably start collecting anti-puppy signatures for the next ballot. When was the last time you two did anything that wasn't to spite each other? This whole codependent thing is really ruining it for both of you.

Well, I've said my piece. I hope some day you grow up enough to change the parts of you that drove me away. Because really, I still prefer your yellow-bellied whining to the gun-toting shenanigans of your cousin.

Sincerely,

Zeroes

2 Comments:

Blogger zortnac said...

Haha, I'll be sharing this with friends. Very clever. Kudos and a slap on the butt.

11:45 AM, March 10, 2006  
Anonymous blu3swan said...

This is stunning writing! How well you put into words what we all feel.

12:57 AM, August 28, 2006  

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