Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Gay Dos and Don'ts

I didn't write this, but it's still very relevent and warrants reposting. Enjoy.

Dos & Don'ts & More Don'ts for Gay Boy Refugees
by Nate Lippens

So you made it out of that backwater town in one piece. Now comes the hard part--acclimating to a new place and living an openly gay life. Soon enough you will discover which bars cater to your distorted physical ideals, that meth is very bad, and that a deep tan is ugly and pre-cancerous--but what about the other stuff? Here's a cheat sheet to save you some time and trouble.

1. You are not a strong black woman. You never will be.

2. I know it was terrible being the fag in your school/small town/own mind, but don't introduce yourself to people with this information. Being gay is, and should be, the least interesting thing about you.

3. If your mother is the greatest woman who ever lived, keep it to yourself. The holiday orphans don't want to hear it. On the flip side, your family will always be a part of you even if you never speak to them again, but try not to spend your life in reaction to them.

4. Rainbow flags, bumper stickers, and wind socks are no different than Green Bay Packers fans painting their faces green and gold: a complete embarrassment. Pride can be as ugly and warping as shame.

5. Gay life can be empty and depressing, but bitching about it outside the confines of a few close friends will get you tagged as bitter. Yes, the gay mainstream is alienating with its cookie-cutter bars, bad dance music, and Queer as Folk. It's enough to make you turn straight. But electroshock doesn't work and Jesus is a sci-fi character.

6. Don't fraternize with people who haven't come out.

7. Your masculinity has most likely been called into question. Anything you do in reaction to it will be a failure. Don't try to prove or disprove anything.

8. There is a difference between being effeminate and being a queen. Being effeminate is just that--being. Being a queen is an affectation. I can't throw a ball, but I don't call anyone "girl," even female children.

9. Avoid she-bonics: referring to each other as Girl, She, and Her. "What's her problem?" That you are an idiot. This includes: Bitchslap, Girlfriend, Shit pussy, Mangina.

10. Don't be a misogynist asshole. Leave the tuna jokes back in your small town with your usage of Jew as a verb. If it weren't for lesbians and feminism, we'd still be sucking cock in truck-stop restrooms. I mean exclusively.

11. I've never been to a bathhouse. No, really. So I can't advise you on it but I do know they are basically a petri dish of STDs. If you are okay with HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and other STDs, by all means fuck your brains out.

12. Do not have black-and-white photos à la Bruce Weber taken of you and your beloved. And if you must, then don't hang them up as "art" in your home.

13. Don't kiss and tell. Or fuck, suck, rim, or fist and tell. Think of your bedroom like Vegas: What happens there stays there. It will keep you from gossiping, which is the true heart of darkness, and will create a sense of mystery. Besides the cruelty of nicknaming someone Princess Tiny Meat (it would make a wonderful DJ name though), it isn't good karma. And what modestly endowed dude who sucks a mean cock is going to want to go home with you after that?

14. Bros before hos. I learned this the hard way: Do not sleep with a friend's ex-boyfriend. Ever. Even if they say they don't care, they do.

15. You are 200 times more likely to be an alcoholic than your straight counterparts.

16. Beauty fades. Develop some inner resources, otherwise when it goes, those of us with less far to fall will laugh at you. To your aging face.

17. Men, like lotto tickets, should not be had every day. The odds are the same.

18. Romantic friendships will end up being neither.

19. Cultivate friendships with straight men. "But we have nothing in common," you say? Bullshit. You are men. Many straight men are in fact softer and sweeter than their faggoty brothers.

20. Make friends with at least one dyke, you silly faggot. When the shit goes down--for instance your mother dies--fags will drop you in an instant if you aren't fun. Dykes will come to your house with food.

21. Don't make friendships based solely around how outrageous you are. It's a shitty kind of attention.

22. Don't refer to anyone as a fag hag. It's rude. Also don't hang out with fag hags.

23. Don't date people who have scars that are older than you.

24. After all of that, you are still not a strong black woman.


Blogger Hot Toddy said...

Oh my god. Now I have to take down my post about my dream last night.

Mmm-hmm, Girl.

7:05 AM, March 18, 2006  
Blogger zortnac said...


8:41 PM, March 24, 2006  
Anonymous Brian said...

I once called a strong black woman 'girl'. She did NOT like it. Btw, now that we have the gay manual, when do we get the money-back guarantee?

11:12 AM, March 28, 2006  
Blogger Zeroes said...

The money-back guarantee is handled by Exodus, cash it in at your own risk.

11:43 AM, March 28, 2006  
Anonymous stuart said...

fantastic - one thing about gays that aways confuses me is why they greet each other with that little kiss and fake "mmwahh" sound - why, why, why?

1:53 PM, March 28, 2006  
Blogger zortnac said...

Oh I love a good zinger at Exodus' expense.

4:17 PM, March 28, 2006  
Blogger Zeroes said...

There's never a bad time to take a snipe at self-hating homo movements. They're like the Scarlet Crusade, but with bad hair and no snazzy uniforms.

11:57 PM, March 28, 2006  
Anonymous Brian said...

What the good folks at Exodus seem to have overlooked is that in the story, the people what got saved ended up following their arse in the desert for forty years. They should have called it something religious like, 'Retreat!'

Forget the guarantee, I'll just make like Toddy and buy new.

Your latest post was lovely, btw.

5:05 AM, March 29, 2006  
Blogger Zeroes said...

Personally I always thought they should have called the ex-gay groups the Sectret Touches Club. But you never really get truth in advertising.

11:04 AM, March 29, 2006  
Blogger The Dreamer said...

Actully a lot of what's listed by whoever wrote it makes sense, and if you're looking to meet your heart's desire on Manhunt or P-Town then you are in need of help.

I used to be on a speaker's bureau and was amazed at how many straight colege age kids thought gay life was all peter pan and parties, i told them the truth when you're not good looking or in some other way marketable in the gay meat market, then life is mostly spent in your recliner, with the remote in your lap watching TV alone.

7:07 PM, June 28, 2006  
Blogger insidium said...


7:28 AM, July 04, 2008  

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