Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Paranoia and You, A Practical Guide

My good friend LR was recently given a wonderful little book by one of his psychology professors. The Paranoid's Pocket Guide is a delightful collection of literally hundreds of reasons that you should spend every day of your life cowering in a corner somewhere, alternately sobbing and vomiting as you realize just how utterly and thoroughly boned you truly are.

Some of the gems found within:

"Nearly a third of all bottled water purchased in the United States is contaminated with Bacteria." E-Colicious!

"Deadly new germs are emerging around the world at a startling rate. Equine morbilli virus, which causes a potentially fatal respiratory illness, was discovered n Australia in 1994; blood banks do not yet screen for recently discovered hepatitis G; and Bartonella, a bacteria discovered in 1990 can cause illnesses ranging from cat scratch fever to fatal heart-valve infections. Humans are exposed to this germ from cats carrying infected fleas. Medical researchers are baffled and expect to see many more unknown mysterious diseases." Are you sure you washed your hands? With Soap?

"In one year over a ton of explosives, including dynamite, C-4 plastic explosives, ANFO, raw ammunition nitrate, and blasting caps has disappeared from commercial sites in Georgia, California, Oklahoma, Idaho, and Indiana." Waiter, I'll have a side of pipe-bomb, hold the nails.

"Remember those hostile memos you wrote to vent at your boss and then deleted? They're still in the computer system - along with your cover letter to the headhunter, that screenplay you've been working on during office hours, and all of the other files you think you've destroyed. The chances are very good that your company will hire a data-retrieval expert to resurrect files that employees have deleted. That is, if they haven't done so already." What ever happened to the good ol' Suggestion Box?

"Bathroom sinks cause over 45,000 injuries every year." Maybe you should start brushing your teeth in the kitchen.

And my personal favorite:

"If you urinate when swimming in a South American river, you may encounter the candiru. Drawn to warmth, this tiny fish is known to follow a stream of urine to it's source, swim inside the body, and flare it's barbed fins. It will remain firmly embedded in the flesh until surgically removed." What's that itching sensation?

The bottom line of all of this being; you have so very many reasons to live your life in constant fear of the world that if you kow-tow to even one of these tiny demons of doubt you'll spend the rest of your life crushed under the weight of all of his friends. Fear is, after all, a package deal.


Blogger Will said...

I'm glad you wrote again. If for not other reason than to just get out some of the stuff you are holding in.

1:18 PM, May 23, 2006  
Blogger Hot Toddy said...

I miss you so much. BIG HUGS.

I like how when I log in to leave a comment, Blogger asks me to "choose an identity" -

Okay, I'll be Jude Law.

10:47 AM, May 24, 2006  
Blogger Zeroes said...

If you're Jude Law, can I be Chris O'Donnel back when he was hot?

3:15 PM, May 25, 2006  

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