Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Conversations that explain why I'm still Single

Before preparing my sandwich, he pulls on some rubber gloves with a satisfying snap (safety first).

"Wanna play doctor?" he says in his come-hither voice.

"Hot! I'll get the bone saw" are the words that burst unbidden from my sly mouth.

"What?" He responds with a look of shocked confusion.

Once again, the only word that I can wedge into the ensuing silence is "...awkward".


"I can't stop thinking about you, I need to see you again. Can it be tonight?"

The sex was loud, passionate and sweaty after a long night of enjoyable conversations about video games and classic literature with a smattering of horror movies tossed in for good measure. He's handsome and athletic and knows the difference between "they're" and "their".

Of course the only logical response to his cries for more is "Tonight's no good, I've already got a date with your brother."


"Your time at the gym is really starting to pay off" he says as his eyes draw patterns of lust over my figure.

"Ugh, I'm already bored with that compliment" I say, rolling my eyes like a disaffected teenager. It's not that I don't appreciate the attention, I'm just not sure that my shapely chest should be the topic of conversation every day.


The Couple (Beautiful Eyes and Hot Lips) are handsome, fun to talk to, and a little dirty from what I've seen so far. Eyes, however, is madly in love with Lips, so he's reluctant to turn this evening of flirtations and 'accidental' brushes into anything that'll need a moist towelette afterwards. It would just be cruel to tell him that Lips has been plowing me like an Amish potato farmer for the past three weeks, so I pretend to be surprised when everyone's pants come off later.

One of these is a wild fabrication, see if you can guess which one it is.

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

Shallow and Loving It

Maybe it was the night, maybe it was the booze, perhaps it was the warm lighting and general good company elevating my mood to wonderful levels of self-acceptance. All I can say for certain is that when I looked over my shoulder into the extra-wide hotel mirror while taking a piss I thought to myself "I'd totally pay to see that guy having sex".

Seriously though, it's really nice to see some results after two years of lifting steel while grunting like a cro-magnon ape.

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Contractual Nookie

Due to a recent rash of other people's boyfriends suffering from a severe case of wandering eyes, hands and tongues it's become necessary to acquire a disclaimer from any man that tosses a "let's play tonsil-hokey" look my way. Rather than administer it orally (who really has the time for that much legal jargon between rounds of drinks anyway?) I've decided to lay it out in written form so that potential suitors can simply give me their signed and dated submissions prior to any instigation of shenanigans.

I, ______________, am currently (check only one):
1 ( ) In a monogamous relationship looking to assuage my boredom with your face and/or body.
2 ( ) In an open relationship with strict rules, all of which I am violating by getting drunk and slipping my hands down your pants (while accidentally shoving my tongue up your nose because I'm too drunk to get it in your mouth on the first try) without my boyfriend/lover/butt-buddy's prior consent and approval.
3 ( ) In an open relationship because it's the only way my boyfriend/emotional fuck buddy/rent-provider is ever going to get laid, and as such, making out with me constitutes a social contract to also make out with him no matter how socially retarded and/or monumentally homely he may be.
4 ( ) In a long-term open relationship in which my boyfriend/husband/baby-daddy trusts me to make adult decisions and will not call either myself or Zeroes at odd hours in the evening drunkenly sobbing about feelings of betrayal which will result in an argument over who gets custody of the pug.
5 ( ) Visiting town for the weekend with my equally attractive/inventive/flexible boyfriend and looking to violate the sanctity of our hotel room in as many ways as possible that do not constitute a clear violation of the existing Geneva Conventions.

I, ______________, am aware that falsifying any of this information is utterly futile, as Zeroes has contacts and informants in more places than the Defense Department and any misleading information I provide will be quickly sussed out at which point I will be "called out" on my obfuscations in an awkwardly public venue.

Please note that checking boxes 1-3 will result in an immediate denial of amorous activities beyond the pre-existing level of meaningless flirtatious banter. If you checked number 4 you must provide a best friend/confidant who will verify the open and stable nature of your relationship. If you checked number 5 please be courteous and make sure that your room is amply stocked with the appropriate supplies for such an endeavor, as pausing mid-multi-coitus while one of us runs down the block to get more Mountain Dew and Crisco can really ruin the flow of a multi-day sexcapade. That and we'll be lying when we say we'll wait until you get back, and avoiding lies is what this contract is all about.




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