My Joy Comes On Silent Feet
Today I was supposed to be on a boat on the river, basking in the sun and drinking in calm happiness like sweet clear mountain spring water. However, that wonderful mess of human drama that links us all together had other plans, so instead I spent the day with a dear friend watching a movie and having some very satisfying sushi. I had mentioned on several occasions to random friends and coworkers that I was really looking forward to being on the boat today, and then it went massively south through no tinkering of my own.
I've noticed that this happens a lot in my life. An event that I want very much will loom. I'll set things up that I can participate in said event. I'll speak to assorted close friends about how very much I'm anticipating the upcoming event. The event will loom closer still. Then something will go HORRIBLY, IRREVOCABLY WRONG that I have no hand in and I'll end up doing nothing instead of something I'd been looking forward to, sometimes something planned months in advance. Friends will have a falling out or go insane and can't leave their rooms for fear of more mental breakdown. The weather will mysteriously turn vicious and cruel. Planes will fly into buildings. Like I said, stuff that I have very little control over. These events will be mysteriously absent should I choose not to tell anyone about my plans. My hopes seem to only be cursed when they are shared with others.
So I plan my hopes in secret, it's like a game I play with the world. If I sneak up on happiness it can't elude me, but if I announce my intentions ahead of me glee will flee like a startled cat. I don't know why my life is like this, it just is. Maybe I seek out things that I don't really want, and some divine part of myself beats me to the punch. Or maybe this is just another way in which the world I live in is more challenging, because I'm never satisfied by an easy life.
I dunno, maybe I never will. All I can really say is watching Graham Norton do a Belgian Chocolate scene is equal parts funny and very, very wrong. At least I'll always have the movies.